maria bamford quotes


I think taking vacations and turning off the phone and only doing emails or social media for a specific short amount of time helps with work/life balance. If I'm checking it all day I start to feel cuckoo-bird. So I just do it once or twice a day instead of a thousand. And then remembering that it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter.


I was raised in Duluth, Minnesota, where you never say that you're cold, or that you're suffering, and you listen politely to people, even if you disagree with them completely. Then you say passive-aggressive things later.


Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.


I am a wild orchid of comedy, so I can only do well under specific conditions... There are people who I think can do any room, and do stadiums and thousand-seat theaters, and then there are people like me who just perform for my parents.


My mom doesn't post on Facebook, but she'll tell anyone within about the first five minutes of meeting them about my sister and I, in whatever way she can.


I've learned from my pets that it's okay to sit around, and people don't love you any less if you sit around all the time. In fact they might love you more, 'cos they always know where you're always going to be: you're always going to be laying in bed.


In L.A., a lot of comics live here, but we don't get to spend that much time together because we've got to drive 45 minutes home, or do another set. So in San Francisco we can hang out, go for dinner - the community aspect of it is really lovely, as well as seeing people's shows that you don't normally get to see a longer version of.


I'm sort of shy, and Twitter feels like chatting all day with a group. I like to follow people. I'm following Joel Osteen, Steve Martin, and an anonymous purple egg - just to see where they go with it.


I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.


I've been stopped a few times by people who want to say, 'Hi.' But I'm an introverted person, and the idea that I'd have to talk to people all the time seems a little overwhelming.


My mom always does this thing where, the closer I get to home, the more she calls. 'Hey, listen, how's your plane? Did you land? Are you landing? Sweetie. Listen. We want to... ' The anxiety amps up exponentially as I get closer, and then I can't get out fast enough.


I love festivals because they seem like more of an artsy, supportive attitude - which benefits a more theatrical performer sometimes with having theater and other non-club venues, as well as the audience being filled with other artists. It's nice to be with other comics, as usually at other road gigs, I'm solo for the most part.


In my stand up, I think I try to be less energetic because I feel embarrassed about how much enthusiasm I have. There's something about acting like I don't care, or if I act like I haven't spent enough time on it, it seems to go better. If I act like I'm really trying to sell it, it doesn't go as well.


I think the Internet has made it easier for people to connect with things that they really like, as well as provide a more personal experience, of 'I found this!' and then you can pass it to friends.


I'd like to create a lovable character for schizophrenia; it doesn't have a celebrity spokesperson because by the time somebody's schizophrenic they've lost all their teeth.


My mom is very structured. She gets up, she does her prayers, and she eats her oatmeal with blueberries and Greek yogurt, and she has her prayer list, and she doesn't worry too much about things.


My dad has some depressive issues, and he's really tough on himself. So sometimes he can say things that are not super supportive. Like once I did a set, and he says, 'Sheesh, no wonder you're still single.' I was like, 'Eight ball, corner pocket, dad.'


I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn't talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It's a completely personal choice.


I love that vision-board thing where you cut out pictures that resonate with you so they'll manifest. I've done that since I was three; I cut out pictures of ladies from the JCPenney catalog.


The bigger the crowds get, the more nervous I get. I actually am very comfortable with a half-filled room of people who are slightly disinterested and are irritated at a Barnes & Noble.


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